It's been a minute since we have posted on the blog portion of our website and although I think my initial reaction might be to freak out, I have come to accept that in life, you got to afford yourself re-group moments. Without diving into the irrelevant melodramatic details, I, creator of CMB, have gone through some life transitions and like any creative person, or human being for that matter, had a crisis of faith. I thought to myself, self, what better way to move forward but share your thoughts. Are they art focused? Sure, why not, because although I think most people go through this, a lot of creators seem to go through these motions in a very conscience way that bleeds into their work or stop them dead in their tracks. So I figured hey, why not share, because sharing is caring.
It starts with this feeling of being weighted down, the inability to get up in the morning, and the notion of being stuck standing still while the world around you is moving at a hundred miles an hour. Slowly the walls seem to close in, thoughts are fogged, and faking smiles again becomes a job. If there is no type of internal prison break soon, the possibility of spiritual or actual death starts to creep in until the mental screams become actual screams. These are some of my moments, and recent moments in dealing with my art baby, CMB.
What is my downward spiral? Well here it goes accompanied by some music I tend to blast in my ear buds while going through it.
1. Self-Doubt. This entire fucking idea is so fucking stupid! I question everything that I want to do and have done to bring me to this point. I thought I could create something that was an extension of my soul, but everything is stupid, and I don't have what it takes to bring my dreams into fruition. That new cool shit I want to do is better off being done by someone else. I mean for fuck sake I didn't go to school for any of this.
2. Pointless. No one gives a shit of what I have to say! I think that even if I had something to say it wouldn't matter because no one cares. I think this is especially true in the social media frenzy we live in these days. I mean how is it possible that people care more about half-naked tarts posing on IG, rather than talking about what makes us human beings. I am fucking irrelevant.
3. Failure Shame. They are all waiting for me to fall flat on my face. I didn't have what it took to make CMB an epic sunglasses line and people saw that. Naturally they are waiting for me to give up on this too and just be that basic bitch. Worthless and everyone is laughing at me.
4. Future Why. Why invest so much time when it ain't going to rain? No idea how to make this my full time gig so I should stick to the gig that pays my bills and I am stellar at. Sure it may suck a piece of my soul away, but hey it's secure. I mean isn't that why I do CMB anyway, for the chance to do something I love while maintaining a lifestyle I have come accustomed to?
If you think that spiral is depressing, ding ding ding, you are right - IT IS! It is a dance that I have been doing my entire life and I have gotten so good at this tango. To be honest, the dance can be very sexy like most moody and brooding things. I mean hello, that's why we have vampire obsessions in this world. By happenstance, I am actually a great dancer, and I have the ability to learn new dances.
Dances that take the moves of the spiral and make it a fucking tornado of triumph. There are more than two sides to every thought, and life is not black and white It's really grey and nuanced. Shout out to Ivy Nate who has given me inspiration to embrace this during my creative process. It is about what side of the thought you choose to take. I have decided and encourage everyone to allow yourself to go through your spiral, because we are human, and to deny our darkness is to cheat the light we can produce.
At the bottom of my spiral I say this to myself.
1. You Are Enough. It's not about being the best or the worst. It's about being your authentic self in all of its' quirkiness and awesomeness. That has got to be enough because that is what I got. I can try to improve and change for the better, aka growth, but at the end of the day what I bring to the table is enough to feed myself and others who choose to take part of my journey.
2. It Is About One. If what I do touches one person or changes one person's life for better than it would have all been worth it. I just want to relate to at least one person in this crazy world so that I, and that person, don't have to feel so alone. I mean my mom did say to me that friendships are about quality and not quantity.
3. No Shame In Trying. Failure is inevitable in life, and truth be told, a total option. There is no shame in failing only not betting on yourself enough for the chance to fail. Yes there will be people, haters if we will, that will look for you to fall. More importantly, there are people who will be there to catch you and tell you to get your ass back out there and try again. Also, try not to be a hater yourself and let those half naked chicks get what they need.
4. Sing Out Louise. I do this not because of a future pay off, but because I have something to say and I want to tell my story. I create because I must. Getting paid is a simple formula, speaking your truth is like quantum physics. Refer back to #2 to be reminded of how purpose works in the world I want to be a part of.
So creators, people, if you feel this way in life sometimes and you question whether you should stop singing, painting, building, acting, writing, or whatever, the answer is always keep going! You may choose a different way to go about creating or have to change your lifestyle, but never stop letting the greatness inside you manifest into art. Dig in deeper because all you will do is mine the beauty of who you are at your core. Rage against that good night and know that there are others raging with you.